First order of business: there's been a coup, and by coup I mean politely worded note asking me whether I would take over co-ownership of this club, as the founder has not got enough time on his hands to run it.

Second order of business: changing the avatar to Harley Quinn finally putting the contest entries up for voting and great lulz. (I'm subbing the longer ones for contrast, to make it easier to wade through the entire journal. I recommend you copy/paste them into Word before reading them.) Here they are, at long last, the terrible stories you've all been waiting for, in reverse order of submission:

By =MaskedVengeance, we have TERRIBLE: Naruto: The Story

<sub>Chapter One: Love at First Sight

“Hi”, I said slowly and carefully. I didn’t know if she would be able to hear me, she had so much hair covering her ears it made me wonder if she had had a rat creep into them and die. She stank, too. Seriously, it was horrible.

“Hi”, she replied. Yeah, she had heard me. How nice.

“How are you?”, I asked her loudly, making sure that my lips moved up and down a lot more than they needed to. Maybe she really couldn’t hear me. Maybe she could lipread. Right?

“Shit.”, she replied. Yeah, I think it was definitely lipreading. Those ears were hairier than a feather duster with extra feather.

“Oh”, I said, “damn.” In fact, maybe it was a man. I wasn’t really sure. I guess the beard might’ve given something away. And the excess nose hair. Eww.

“Yeah”, he/she replied. Tell you what, I’ll call he/she an ‘it’. After all, it could’ve been an ape for all I could see. Ginger hair, too. And it was boring to talk to. But the face did seem somehow familiar… I recognised it from somewhere. Maybe… hmm…

“Have I seen you on TV before?”, I asked it. No reply. I asked louder: “Have I seen you on TV before?”

Still no answer. Maybe it was because I had my hand over my face so I didn’t have to look at it. I moved my hands.

“Have I seen you on TV before?” I asked for a third bloody time.

“Maybe”, was the reply, “Maybe not.”

“No, seriously… have I?”, I asked. I waited for a reply, then some more. Eventually, after some thinking, it said:

“YEAAAAAH BITCH! I’M MOTHER FUCKING NARUTO!!1”

I walked away. Fucking Naruto.

Chapter Two: Dream On…

A few days later, I saw Naruto again. On TV. Then I realized: “OMFG I JUST MET MOTHERFUCKING NARUTO WTF WAS I THINKING RUNNING AWAY WHEN I JUST MET NARUTO AND WHY THE FUCK AM I THINKING IN CAPS?!”

So then, I decided to go to bed. And guess what? I saw Naruto in my dream, which was handily in bad poem form. And I dreamt it in italics. Handy. Here’s the dream:

Sasuke met Naruto,
Said “Oh, hi, I don’t know
Quite how to pronounce your name,
Which seems like a real shame.”

So Naruto, he replied
“Oh, it’s fine, because I lied.
My real name, it’s Dave,
And my profession? It’s to pave!

I pave roads and pavements, too.
AND NO I DON’T MEAN SIDEWALKS. I’m not American. I’m Japanese.
Anyway, you interrupted my flow.
Oh no.”

And that was my dream.

Oh, no, wait, there was a bit more, actually:

So Sasuke said “Okayyy…”
And walked away.

THEN THEY FELL IN LOVE AND WENT OUT WITH EACH OTHER FOR YEARS AND YEARS AND THEN REVERSED TIME AND THEN FORGOT EACH OTHER AND THEN SASUKE FELL IN LOVE WITH HARRY POTTER BECAUSE HE HAD HOT GLASSES UNTIL HE BROKE THEM WHILST RUNNING TO SASUKE LIKE THE CLICHÉ SCENE IN LOVE MOVIES FROM HOLLYWOOD BLOCKBUSTERS.

And that really was my dream.

Chapter 3: The Filler Chapter

This chapter is here in order to not achieve anything except make this piece more impressive because it lengthens it by a few sentences. In fact, I’ll give up even trying to write proper English now. Here’s the bad fanfic I know you’ve all been waiting for:

Harry luvd snayp and they had schmex in da garden owtside the house wot harry grewed up in and den sonic an dat lot joined in then they had tea and it wuz well nyc becuz it had lots of tee bags in it and harry and snayp and sonic liked tea bagz cus they wuz well nyc. An den naruto appeared again an slaped harry cuz he got off wiv sasuke cuz sasuke thort he had hot glassiz an den after a clichey moovie sene harry left naruto, no, I meen sasuke which mayd sasuke well sad so she tried goin out wiv naruto again but he sed no because he thort she didn’t luv him no more and then he relised she did and he wunted to go owt wiv her but she sed no cuz he dusnt hav hot glarses and his eerz are tuu hairy.

Happy?

You didn’t read it?
Oh. Well, I would’ve skipped over those few sentences too. Don’t worry, I don’t blame you. They were shit anyway.

Chapter Four: Mark of Exclamation

The next day, I met Naruto again, and the first thing I did was run up to him and give him a big (very manly, of course) HUG. Why? Because he’s Naruto… duh!

I had to spend the rest of the day cleaning hair off my clothes. I think he must’ve been moulting.

Chapter Five: Clean, and wondering why you’re still reading this.

The day after, following several hours of rigorous exercise trying to clean my clothes with the only item I could find in my house – a sticky jar of maple syrup – I was clean. And anyone that I hugged (maybe even Sakura! [Insert more traditional style fanfic ‘OMFG!!!11’ here]) would surely find themselves stuck to me. That had to be a plus.

Well, so I thought. But then guess who I ran into? It was only tubby old Jabba the Hut, in animé form! (Literally… I ran into him.) I might’ve bounced off his rather… well… rotund belly, except I was so damn sticky. I guess next time, I shouldn’t use a sticky jar of maple syrup to clean my clothes.

Throughout the day, he was stuck to me. I even had to try going to the loo with him stuck to my chest – not easy. Anyway, eventually I managed to persuade him to eat my shirt in order to free himself. Of course, I realized after that I could have simply taken the shirt off but, hey… I’m no genius. I like writing bad animé fanfics.

Chapter Six: Yeah, I said it. I went there.

That’s right. All people that write fanfics are stupid, unintelligent morons who need to get a life. ALL OF THEM. EVERY ONE. Well, except for me. I’m not.

See, the only reason that people write fan fiction is because they envy my talent and want to copy it. I actually created the genre. I copyrighted it, but the internet pirates took it away on their ship and left me out to drown at sea. And look at me now. Making up stories about Naruto.

L OH EMM GEEEEE LYF SUXXX!!!!111111

… HAY, I NO, ILL WRITE SUM FANFICZ!!!!111

=* deep_breath *=

Here goes…

Chapter Seven: Fangstfic (see what I did there?!)

The wind was howling softly several nights ago. The tip tapping of the rain against a cool, harsh window pane wasn’t enough to stir Naruto from his deep, dark dreams. The rain dribbled down the window, sniffling and snuffling it’s way to the ledge underneath. And there, it settled, cold blue water. Ice cold.

Naruto dreamt of Sakura. He dreamt of her running away from him, disappearing into the mist. He dreamt of returning home, slicing his wrists in writhing agony. She was gone. Gone forever. What had he got left, besides his hair, and annoying Japanese voice?

Nothing. He had nothing left. Bowing his head, he walked out of his dreams and woke up with a gasp.

The rain tapped softly against the cool, harsh window pane. Tears dribbled down Naruto’s cheek, sniffling and snuffling their way to the pillow beneath his sobbing face. And there, they settled, cold blue water. Ice cold.

Chapter Eight: The Dramatic Ending

The next day, Naruto woke up with a pool of tear water on his pillow and a drenched blanket covering over his thoughts. He called Sakura up and said she should un-disappear herself. So she did, appearing at his house at approximately 4.40pm EST.

Then Sasuke appeared and they all had a very nice cup of tea and Naruto showed off these AWESOME pictures of cats on the internet with funny slogans like “Long cat is loooooooooooooooooooooooooong”. Then Sakura went home because she thought Naruto was weird (I would’ve thought the hairy ears would’ve given it away sooner but apparently she was oblivious to that part of Naruto) and then Sasuke and Naruto made gay love. Because that’s obviously likely.

Oh, and then I appeared and joined in.

THE END.

DISCLAIMER: I didn’t actually meet Naruto, Sasuke, or Sakura. Naruto doesn’t actually have hairy ears and isn’t actually actively participating in gay lovin’ with Sasuke (sorry to disappoint). I did no research whatsoever for this fan fiction, because I created the genre so I can say whatever the fuck I want to say in it. I didn’t actually create the genre. Not all fanfiction sucks – just most of it. Life doesn’t actually suck. ‘Fangstfiction’ is copyright nobody, I hope. Use it wherever the hell you like, provided you credit it to me. Yeah, that’s right, I’ll actively be on the lookout for anyone that uses my terrible pun and claims it to be his or hers. I didn’t use the word ‘KAWAIIIIII’ in this piece for good reason… I don’t want to ruin the piece. Obviously. Not all people who write fanfics are actually “stupid, unintelligent morons who need to get a life” – as I’ve already stated, I’m not stupid, unintelligent, or a moron, and I definitely don’t need to get a life. I mean, that’s obvious! The wind wasn’t howling loudly a few nights ago, it was really nice weather, for once. Naruto, Sasuke, Sakura, and Jabba don’t actually exist. Jabba didn’t get stuck to my shirt. I didn’t try to clean my clothes using a sticky jar of maple syrup. The cup of tea that Naruto, Sasuke, and Sakura had wasn’t, in fact, a “very nice cup of tea” – it was disgusting. Somehow, Sakura (who made it) managed to put salt in instead of sugar. The tea in this fan fiction didn’t actually exist.

Oh, and one final thing: This disclaimer counts for shit.</sub>




By ~lady-shirakawa, Scrachi and Icheeneesago

….. the….. little….cute mouse quickly leapt  a form foot to foot behind the miaowing cat.
“MIAOWIIIIII,” scrachi as ichineesago attempted to carve his head into a shape.
“I WUv you Mr Cat,” squeaked the cute mouse…. It was a heart.
“My heart is in my head,” Scrachi said. “you performed a transplant”
“I…kinda fancy you Mr Cat,” squeaked Ichineesago
“NEVER… so you were just being a typical boy and pretending to hate me all this time” said Scrachi. “But I like sasuke”
“who?” said the shocked mouse
“The cute girl on the other channel, not many people appreciate her as they are too busy watching the krusti shogun show” said the cat sadly to the mouse
“Die cat!.”
“its Die Katze”
„Sorry, my german has got bad. Anyway shouldn’t you learn Japanese” said the clever mouse.
“I have, but I only know that your name is bad luck” said the cat sadly again”
“….why? oh why? I WUV YOU”, he plunged a knife into his own heart. A cross appeared on the mouse’s face and his eyes turned to crosses too.
“OH NO! oh well, SASUKE!” Scrachi shouted.
A thin girl walks in with massive eyes and blue hair and snogs the cat’s face from his head.



fanfic contest, by ~Aspartam (I think this is the submission)

This lady from Brittanny
Wanting to write some poetry
Grabbed a pen and got frantic
About animatic and fanfic
She had no clue what it could be.


By =LilithLairPoetry, A Fanfic So Bad its Kawaii

<sub>Naruto felt cold chills as he walked through a forest, all eyes upon him like the cold icy stare of a frosty milkshake that he drank earlier, shakened, not stirred by Sonic the Hedgehog. Though he couldn't help but ponder the predicaments of whats in that milkshake that kept his thoughts in a whirl, could it be the enthralling mind control or a shot of Jack Daniels which made him think of what to wear the next day when he got back home. Even his orange ninja jumpsuit apparatus didn't protect him from the chilling winds whipping his spikey over-the-top faggoty haircut that Cloud cut for him. Nor did it appeal to the ladies at all.

Suddenly out jumped five black ninjas, all baring steak knives of pure doom, actually it's not pure doom but more like overpowered instruments of stabbing power to be exact, but he's pretty sure its gonna hurt like the dickens. Naruto could only glance for a split second in the space time continuum before a five pointed ninja star came straight at him. It shaved off a lock of his new hair and the rage inside grew as more stars whistled by shaving him close to his hair.

"How dare you use your pentagram satanic death stars on my faggoty hair cut made exclusive by the legendary Cloud Strife," shouted Naruto, "now I look like Britney Spears."

Naruto called forth his mighty energies to summon a little chia pet, "Pikachu, I choose you...actually I could've chose Charmeleon, but if it wasn't for your yellow fur matching my yellow hair, I would've kept you locked in the ball or cage or whatever you call those little torture devices, but we're a bit late on the subject."

Pikachu looked at his Master strangely and then at the black ninjas who were ominously chit-chatting about the latest gi suit fashions because Naruto took too long narrating his over-dramatic speech on how his beautiful hair got lopped off by dangerous pentagram looking ninja stars. One ninja looked at the little yellow rodent, and placed a mousetrap with cheese on it. Pikachu fell for it and got ensnared in the trap and which drained it of all it's health and passed out in a drunken stupor.

"WHATTTT!!!! How dare you treat my pet like that, this is a time to call out my Psychedelic Egregious Transcendental Asswhipping sword...or P.E.T.A for short," said Naruto as he whipped it out like he was in a strip club surrounded by Sailor Moon girls with cute pink tassels on their breasts.

Now the ninjas were scared of his PETA activist fury for turning Pikachu into a drunken useless Pokemon, but more like because Naruto felt like he lost a hair piece of himself. In unison they chanted, "Chase the hedgehog, chase the hedgehog, chase the hedgehog" and a glowing vortex of inhumanly sadistic proportions initiated and caused quite a stir that even struck fear in Naruto. Out came a crudely drawn Sonic the Hedgehog bearing a MSPaint brush and a smock of confidence.

"All your base are belong to us", cackled ChasetheHedgehog, "I will now turn you into a horribly drawn Naruto!"

"NEVARRRRR," screamed Naruto, and came rushing headlong with PETA blade in hand swiping furiously at ChasetheHedgehog, but the awesomely destructive blade of animalistic powers were no match for the black lineart body.

"Ninjas, converge on me to form CHASE-A-TRON!", and all the ninjas joined together with Chase to form a crudely drawn Shadow Hedgehog, called Chase-A-Tron.

"OMG!!, is there no end to this battle, why must I continuously vanquish evil all the time? Why must I become the one to save the world from evil-doers with bad hygiene and lack of disregard to human vision? WHYYYY, Oh art thou hath forsaken thee", lamented Naruto, as he shifted from Shakespearean garb back to this orange jumpsuit.

"Hey Naruto, need some help?", came a voice out of nowhere.

"Holy batballs, you're Sephiroth!! But wait a minute, why are you dressed as Sasuke?" Naruto asked puzzled at the weird get-up.

"Well to put it to you short, I felt all my life I was a narcisisstic asshole, and because of the pain I caused with Mother, I had a change of heart. I now want to help the world, infact I opened up an orphanage for the lost kids, and became Sephina Roth" Sephina-roth compliantly said and even disturbingly shed a tear drop and a blushing face.

"ENOUGH WITH YOUR RAMBLINGS, BEHOLD THE POWER OF MSPAINT!!!", shouted Chase-A-Tron.

Sephina-roth and Naruto faced off against Chase-A-Tron in a battle that will forever change the world of Hyrule, it even will change the shape of mankind forever, and probably change whoever reads this into a rambling babbling monkey.

The battle begin with Chase-A-Tron using his brush to conjur up spherical balls of energy which resembled squares and hurled them at Sephina-roth. Amazingly, Sephina-roth just pulled out a Connect Four game and they all went in.

"Connect Four, I win," giggled Sephinaroth, like a hyperactive obese schoolgirl.

Naruto flashed his PETA sword and the glare of his shaven head shone like the sun of fiery hell and blinded Chase-A-Tron, sending him into a whirl so fast, he started to spin in circles and he took off and did a few loops on a track and collected five golden rings before smacking Sephina-roth's pink curls and losing all the rings.

"MY RINGGSSSSS, I AM DEFEATED, I SHALL ONLY BE A MEMORY", before fading away in a silvery shards of glass.

Sephina-roth and Naruto looked at each other and glanced at the memory of Chase-A-Tron, and with a burst of passion, Naruto kissed Sephina-roth and they became another Yaoi story that'll be told another time because this story is so epic and everyone will read it and it'll get tons of favs and fanmail and it'll have over 10k views, it's so KAWAII, and it's gonna become a movie and a game and....and... ^^</sub>



By ~Eumary, . f a n f i c .

<sub>Hi guyz! Its not my first fanfic but plz be fair and NO FLAMING! i can write what I want so dont be a d**k  for dat. So lets start! I hope u like it ^-^

~*Leaning back to the darkness*~

+cHaPtEr  1+ :I dont love u

once upon a time in konoha, there was a magical gurl, called Celestial (celes for the pals) Skye Uzumaki. She was an orphan  and when she was little some one made some wings scars on her back, but magically she survived and now she his best friends with naruto (of couse, like, shes his lost sister)  and sasuke, sadly, she cuts her wrists and stuff when she feels bad. She listens to evanescence and MCR (because they rock and u kno it) and she has a crush on gaara and gerard way.  It may sound horny (^_~) but shes not a virgin, she had sex  (and buttsex) with gaara and theyre now a couple but nobody knows it. UNTIL NOW.

So they were like:
-Oh oh, gaara, gaara, ilu, ilu, ure my onely one
-omg omg omg ilu celes I rly do aaaaaaah
and den someone barks in:

-GAAAR4AAA!! O_O
-NARUTO, WHAT THE F**K ARE U DOIN HRE?
-I tough we had something special gaara T_T
-well im not gay u shud kno it -_-
-naruto plz dont be mad ;_;
SHUT UP CELES I DON’T  GIVE A D**N BOUT U >_<

Suddenly, celes ran away naked from there and she found kiba, who saw her hot, glmaorous  body and got a boner. Celes blushed *wink* and they ran off to a hotel and he  ut his penis in her vagina. She moaned and stuff while her silvery-blue hair waved in the air.

after dat hot day, at night, she heared a voice from within that said: ure a slut. She suddenly felt the urge to cut her wrist while she heard I don’t love you from MCR (srry to interrupt but have u herd? There will be a concert im soooo going):
When you go
Would you even turn to say
"I don't love you
Like I did
Yesterday"

after dat, she slept and exactly at midnight her nobody woke her up and said: grab ur keyblade, naruto is in danger.
----------------------------------------------------
so? Did u like it? I sure did! ^_^ here we go with chapter 2! Dont be mean in the comments, I have to remind u dat.
Chapter 2
.•+ Passion+•.

She ran off wit her silver wings flapping to where naruto was. It turned out dat orochimaru was there and suddenly sora and donald, goofy, cloud, and sephiroth appeared.

sephiroth said:
-oh orochimaru I like dat tongue of urs.
sora said:
celes dont  do dis youll get killed
cloud said:
ilu celes even more dan tifa.

And celes said:
I have to do this u guys Im the only hope for everyone and im sorry, sorry gaara, sorry naruto, this is my pay-off to u.
And then she got in the way of orochimaru and sephiroths sword.
…
Everything was black. She herd the song of what I’ve done, from linking park (hi! I also happen to like them, like, mike shinoda is soo cute.)

What I’ve done
I’ll face myself
To cross out
What I’ve become
Erase myself
And let go of
What I’ve done

white limpid tears came out of her silvery-gold eyes. She then saw her mom, narutos mom:

u have to go back. This is not ur place. ilu. Tell naruto il him too. Ill also give you the power of talking to animals, fly like an angel, breathe underwater, and all the jutsus your father lerned.
Then she opened her eyes and there she was. The bad guys were gone. naruto was there, gaara, cloud, sora and everyone else.
She saw naruto, told him, cried, and she saw gaara, ran off to him and they made out.
But something was  lurking nearby…
-------------------------------
END!! I hpe u liked it! Im planning to make more of em. Dont  forget to go to the mcr concert!</sub>



By =mngamojemo, Pokemon fanfic

How long will I allow him to continue? He comes to see me in the night, when we're on the road...he says he's hungry...well, we're always hungry, what difference does it make?

He rakes his sharp claws over my body. "Shhhh...."

He lifts my legs with his small, strong arms, and tears my clothes down to the knees.

"What are you doing?", I whisper, but I know just what he's doing.
He nips at my nipples with sharp little teeth. I scream, I moan. Jessie wakes up and throws rocks at us.

The pain only encourages him. She stalks off, and I am alone, left to the ministrations of my secret...can I say lover? Does he love me? Sometimes, as his scratchy tongue licks my body, over and over, delicately, I can almost believe he does...do I love him? I love the feeling of his smooth fur between my fingers...I love his voice, his actions...dare I say it, I love it when he fucks me, when he shoves his little pussy cock deep down inside me....

Oh, Meowth...oh God, Meowth...looks like Team Rocket is blasting off agaaaaiiiin...

then he leaves me, prone and helpless. He leaves...the blood is leaking from my body from his scratches...how long will I allow this to go on?



And finally, the first to rise to the challenge, by =kageru-hinoryu, I HART NARUTO

naruto had blond hair and was a rly, rly strong ninja. he loved 2 eat ramen and kill ppl. but wat he loved more than that was to go on the internet and look for more wasy to kill ppl. so one day he was on the computer. and he went on gogle to find informasion about imself. but little did he know that there was a lot of inforamsion about him on the internet. there were evn pitchers of him on the internet. some ppl even wrote storys about him. so he found one of his storys. and he looked at it. the title of the story was naruto and sasuke: etrnal love 4ever. and naruto was like 'what i cannot believe it. they are making storys about me and sasuke in love. this is not right. i have to do somthing.' so he took his kunai and stabbed the computer monitor 1000 times. sakura herd the noise from alot of feet away. so she walked in. she asked 'naruto what are you doing'? naruto said 'im just realy angry becuse someone on the internet wrote a story about me in love with sasuke.' she said 'i thought you were in love with asuke'. and then he said 'no im not i hate him alot leve me alone' and he grabed his kuni and throwed it at the wall. and he said 'im on a mission now.'






So there you have it, the eye-bleeding horror of SIDV's first contest. I'll leave the voting open (by note or comment on this journal, whichever you like) until Friday. The democratically elected Worst Of Show receives the coveted lolpills and, of course, that three-month subscription.

You can also vote for a winner in the following subcategories: Fangirlest, Most Halfassed, Most Likely to Succeed on adultfanfiction.net, and Most Difficult to Bleach From the Mind.

Clarification: you can't vote for yourself, because that just never works, so go with your second-favorite.

Next contest: the first person to buy this account a one-year subscription wins a three-month subscription!

-------------------------------------

Staff & Members

Fearless Founder
=M-PlayC3ll

Surprise Co-Owner
=mngamojemo

Staff
=OmahaNebraska
~TimeToComeClean
~RebelliousArchAngel

Ex-Staff
=LighttoDark

Members

~pixieface
~xarvaln
~Carrot-Nose
=kageru-hinoryu
~metal-icarus
~Maki-hoi
~TheSunAndTheRainfall
*lazarusmumble
=perception-obscure
~Syuga
~Eumary
~Canti654
~Oleem
=inspiredimperfection
~ckirkillustr8
~villakoira
=Nonparael
~SoGothicImDead
=Resident-Bishounen
~KaioshinLuvr
~lady-shirakawa
=MaskedVengeance
*batousaijin
~Fig-Muffin
~Blackittyrose004
*GaioumonBatou
=LilithLairPoetry
*jamberry
~Cat-of-the-Shadows
*Agnirei
~Tangerine-Tickle
~andy-fod3n

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How to become a Member

To become a member, all that is needed is to simply watch the club.

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We need submissions. Be making with the parody Anime, weeaboo shit you did three years ago and now regret, and chiaroscuro Pokemon.


The deadline for voting is hereby extended to Monday, which is the date =M-PlayC3ll suggested in the first place. We need more votes plz.